My parents are smokers, both sets of Grandparents were smokers as were their parents. Most of my family are/were smokers, yet as a kid I didn’t like it. I would complain about the smell in the car or the thick layer of smoke which always hung around the living room like the San Francisco fog. I swore I would never be a smoker.
Then I hit puberty!
The surge of adrenaline and my own conscious telling me how much I shouldn’t do it, made me want to smoke even more. It started with the cigarette ends my Mum would leave in the ashtray and then led to me seeking out new friends who were smokers. I tried my first cigarette when I was fourteen from a boy who lived near me. I don’t remember if I inhaled or even if I enjoyed it, but I know I got a rush from doing something so forbidden. I was a bright kid, a bit of a teacher’s pet and never got into trouble – I never even got detention; so this was a big thing for me.
I tried to hide it from my parents which worked for a while as they were so used to the smell of smoke. When I was fifteen I would cycle at night to the next village just so I could buy cigarettes without my parents knowing or the shop keepers knowing I was too young. When I hit sixteen, my parents knew I was smoking although by then, it was legal for me to buy my own cigarettes and to smoke them, so there was little they could do to object. It still felt wrong to be smoking in public though and I didn’t smoke while in my first job in television. I was working with a boss who hated smoking and I didn’t want to smell around the celebrities we worked with. So I became a social smoker.
It wasn’t until I moved to London in 1998 that I smoked full-time. A new city with new people allowed me to feel comfortable smoking in public. I felt and looked good being a smoker. By my nineteenth birthday I was smoking a pack a day. From then until now I have smoked between twenty and thirty cigarettes a day.
I’m now thirty-four years old, due to a spinal injury I have been off work for the past two years and money has been tight, but I have still been spending most of the money I had on cigarettes. Knowing that I am getting older, can’t afford it and need to watch my health I have been wanting to stop since September last year. I got an e-cigarette in the hope that would help me quit; It didn’t. I actually upped my nicotine intake and carried on smoking cigarettes as well.
I have given myself so many reasons and excuses for not stopping. My brother managed to stop smoking cigarettes, but now has a bigger nicotine intake with e-cigs and my Mum still hasn’t stopped. Three of my Grandparents have died of Cancer and my father had a heart attack at fifty-one due to smoking… And still I smoked!
Determined to beat this, I started Nicorette patches yesterday. For the first time since 1998, I had no cravings to smoke. I went to bed last night and took the patch off before sleeping. I awoke sweating and clammy after a restless night of dreaming of smoking. I needed a cigarette. I had to shower before applying the new patch but also had to wait for the water to heat up first. All I could think about was smoking. I decided to eat breakfast – still I couldn’t get the idea of smoking out of my head. When I finished my cereal I was desperate for a cigarette. I started trying to convince myself that I needed to smoke. At one point I was so blinded by my cravings that I began to tear up because there are no cigarettes in the house. That’s when I snapped out of it and realised the hold on me nicotine really has. I had a shower, applied to patch and went out for a walk.
I knew I was addicted but I honestly believed I could give up smoking at any time; after this morning, I know the truth. Smoking is a drug that your body becomes dependant on and after a few years, most people can’t just stop. I know some people who have given up cold turkey but I know a lot more that have tried time and again and still haven’t kicked it. I am angry with myself for letting nicotine take over my sense and reasoning and I am now more determined than ever to give it up.
Of course I still want a cigarette but there are none in the house, I have thrown away my ashtrays and I didn’t buy any when I went to the shop. I want to do this so I have money again, I want stop coughing up brown stuff every morning and not suffer the same fate as my piers, but most of all I want to stop because I need to know I am stronger than nicotine. This drug that I have been so dependant on for most of my life has to go. If I can do this I’ll know I am strong enough to do anything.
It’s only day two on the patches and I don’t know if I will win this battle with nicotine but I really hope I have enough willpower to get through it. If I can go two weeks without smoking, then I’ve won. I still have an e-cig but I’m not using it. They are medically untested so who knows what heated oil is going to do to your lungs and it’s too easy to switch between e-cig and real cigarettes.
If you’re trying to quit or have quit, it would be great to hear from you. I could really use some help and advice from others also going through this. I’ve download the NHS SmokeFree app which is helping and shows how much money I am saving. £300 a month is a huge sum of money to spend on smoking!
If you’re thinking of starting smoking, have just started or are a social smoker just know that at some point in your life you will want to quit and the longer and more frequently you do it, the harder it will be. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do and wouldn’t wish this felling on anyone.
For you smokers still out there, I know how amazing it feels to smoke and yes I’m missing it every second of the day, but most of that pleasure is just sating the addiction you have to this drug. I don’t want to become one of those preachy ex-smokers and only you can stop smoking when you’re ready – but if it is ever something you ever want to do, forget the e-cigs and go straight for the patches, they seem to be working with me so far.
UPDATE 04/04/2014
It has now been 84 hours since I stopped smoking. The first 72 hours were hell. The patches help a lot but you also need a lot of willpower to get you through those first three days. I’ve not eaten much more than normal, but I have found that citrus fruits and salted snacks really help with the cravings. My vices have been oranges and pretzels. I was told to keep my hands busy, so I’ve either been writing at my computer or playing on my smart phone. It keeps my hands and brain constantly pre-occupied and not thinking about smoking.
I find myself walking more, both to stop being bored and to get some fresh air. After three days with no smoking, my lungs feel clean. I can inhale deeply without feeling a tightening and I’m not coughing my guts up when I wake up. It’s a better feeling than nicotine ever provided.
The cravings seem to be worse after meals and when I’m alone late at night. Fizzy drinks after a meal seem to work and taking long, hot baths before bed stop those night time yearnings.
I’ve been a smoker for twenty years so I knew this was never going to be a walk in the park – but I am doing it and 84 hours later I am more determined to stay smoke free than ever!
UPDATE 07/04/2014
One week on and I am still a non-smoker. It was a tough week to get through and it is said to be the most difficult, but I managed it. On Friday I had a couple of pints in the pub. I knew this would be the real test as alcohol and smoking utilise the same enzymes of the brain. It didn’t help that it was a warm day and it seemed that everyone in London was smoking and with the windows open in the pub, all the smoke was wafting in from outside. I excused myself after the second drink as I could feel my willpower waning. I tried again last night when I went to karaoke, but this time not smoking didn’t bother me at all.
Stopping smoking is difficult. My mood has been up and down all week and I have had many arguments with myself about smoking; but I have won over the temptress in my brain and my reward has been better breathing, better sleeping, significantly reduced cravings and £70! Each month I don’t smoke I will save £300 – that’s £3600 a year. Just think of the things I can buy, the holidays I can go on and the places I can visit. On top of that I’m much healthier for not smoking and might even live longer.
When you’re a smoker, it’s all too easy to justify why you smoke. Regardless of how much money you have, smoking seems to be as essential as food. Even with the pack warnings and graphic images of smoking related illnesses, even with all the information of cigarettes containing 4000 chemicals including Arsenic and Formaldehyde and even with friends and family who may have died because of smoking. We manage to ignore all of this so we enjoy the nicotine pouring into our lungs. Yet even without all the health risks, smokers are still living a half life because of the amount of money we throw away on this drug. £9 a day might not sound like a lot but £300 a month does and whoever you are, £3600 a year is an incredible amount of money to burn. It’s the amount of money I have and will continue to save that has kept me going. No one can predict their future or when we are going to die, but we do live in the present – and more money to spend on whatever we want is a bonus for all of us.
When you take drugs, you lose the ability to be in control – nicotine is no different. After one week I feel free for the first time in twenty years and tomorrow I’m going to buy myself a new outfit – because I can afford to!
#TerryGee